Is one enough?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the question, “so, do you think you’ll have another one?” this past year.  Everyone wants to know.  My in-laws, the neighbors, the mail carrier.  It can be a complicated question to answer when you haven’t quite figured it out yet.  Usually I tell people that we’re “on the fence” and “thinking hard about it.”  But they still keep asking.

It seems like everyone I know is either pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just had a second baby.  I only know a few couples, as in two, who have decided without a shadow of a doubt that their kid will be an only child.  One dad has already gotten a vasectomy. 

I was an only child.  I didn’t mind.  Sure, I played by myself a lot, but I also had loads of friends, many who I still keep in touch with and consider to be part of my family.  Sometimes I wished for an older brother – someone who could protect me and show me the ropes -  but for the most part I was fine being an only.  Kiku is incredibly social and independent like I am.  She loves being out and about, seeing people, engaging with strangers, and interacting with other kids.  She’s already developing little friendships at preschool (which is heart melting), so I’m not particularly worried about her making friends.  And she’ll also be closer to family once we move back to northern California later this year.   

But I am concerned about her being alone if something should ever happen to JJ and I.  I hate thinking about this morbid stuff, but shit happens.  JJ is leaning towards having only one.  Kiku can be a tough cookie and we’re still exhausted and sleep deprived.  He has a brother who he has nothing in common with (except their parents) and knows there’s no guarantee that Kiku and her sibling will get along.  What if they fight constantly?  What if our relationship is strained even more?  Is it worth taking the chance?

I’m leaning in the same direction as JJ, but part of me yearns for a bigger family.  Even though I was fine being an only child, I think it would've been easier to deal with my grandmother passing (and other family issues) if there'd been someone to experience it all with.  The other thing is that Kiku absolutely loves babies.  She’s always playing with her dolls, feeding them and putting them to sleep.  She’s even been asking for a little brother or sister since many of her toddler friends have started having siblings.  Then I think about me.  What about going back to work and continuing to develop myself?  When is that going to happen if I have a second baby?  Will I want to stay home again?  I feel like I've lost so much of myself since having Kiku, and even though I'm starting the rediscovery process, I'm afraid of what will happen if there are two pairs of little feet running around, especially if the second one is as intense and strong-willed as the first.

I just don’t know.  I saw my OB/GYN a few months ago and she told me that we should probably start trying for another baby within the year if we wanted another one.  It’s the age thing.  She also told me that it was time for my fist baseline mammogram.  A mammogram?!  Damn.  Am I really 38 years old?

So we need to decide pretty darn quick, because I’m not too keen on the idea of being pregnant at 40+.  I know plenty of women do it, but pregnancy wasn't easy for me and the idea of doing it all over again, at 40, is daunting.