Airing out the dirty laundry

I haven't posted in this blog lately because we've been going through a challenging time and it just feels weird to expose everything.  I know that many, many people get all naked on the web but for some reason (i.e. fear) I just can't seem to put it out there.  I guess I just care too much about what other people think.  The funny thing is that no one, besides my husband and maybe a few friends, even know about this blog.  So what am I worried about?  If someone from across the world finds my blog by chance and reads about my problems, so what?  At best, they'll be able to relate and maybe feel a little better knowing that someone else out there is feeling the same way they are.  At worst, they'll think I'm annoying and whiny and click away.  Really, who cares? 

Perhaps this fear of exposing myself to the public has something to do with the fact that I always felt the need to hide my family situation away from people while I was growing up.  I didn't have the normal Mama-Papa-Kid situation at home like most of my friends did.  I was raised by my grandparents from the age of five months because my biological parents were young, emotionally immature, and financially unstable, and that's just how it all worked out.   No one in my family ever talked about why I lived with my grandparents, and the subject of my dad hardly ever came up seeing how he was completely out of the picture by the time I was born.  I just accepted it as normal because it's all I knew, but deep down I always felt that something was not quite right.  I just buried my feelings and went about being a kid.  Sometimes my friends would ask me about it, and I'd just tell them that I didn't know.  As I got older, I started to question things and eventually my mother told me the whole story about why I was raised by my grandparents, and the events that preceded my birth.  I was 25. 

Since then, I've been trying to come to terms with it all.  Feeling abandoned by my mother.  Losing my grandmother, the woman I identified as my mother, at the age of 22.  Trying to reconcile having a father figure who was abusive to my mother but not to me.  Attempting to have an adult relationship with a mother who resents me.  Building a relationship with my biological father who I finally met eight years ago.  Having a daughter of my own and raising her without any family support, while attempting to live a full and healthy life despite the rocky foundation that was laid for me as a child. It hasn't been easy and I still have some distance to cover.  There is a lot of sadness and pain. 

I'm still pretty cautious in general about who I share my family history with, mainly because I fear that people wouldn't accept me if they knew the truth.  Deep down I know this is probably not true, and I wouldn't care to be friends with someone who did reject me because of it, but the fear keeps my story quiet with all but the closest of friends. 

It does feels good to air my dirty laundry in the public realm.  I only wish that I could do so in the presence of my family.  On some level I think I'm hoping that writing about my life in public will give me the strength and courage I need to tell my family members exactly how I feel.