Feeding the mojo

I just took a long hot bath and was able to read an entire magazine from cover to cover without any interruptions.  It was paradise.  I don't give myself the permission to relax nearly as much as I should.  Even when Kiku is at school, I still don't fully relax.  I keep my guard up...just in case. 

I know that I'm a better parent (and wife) when I take care of myself first.  So why is it so hard to remember to do things for ME?  Why does everyone else come first so much of the time?  I let it happen and then complain about it later when I feel like a dried up old mop.  By then it's too late.  Do men have this problem?  Uh, not so much.  What do they know that I don't?

I could use a massage.  And a manicure.  Throw in a pedicure, too.  My dried, flaking cuticles are a testament to how long it's been since I've pampered myself.  The funny thing is that before becoming a mom, I never considered massage or getting my nails done as pampering.  They were just little extras that I added to my life every once in a while whenever I needed to feed the mojo.  Nowadays, I think I just forget to do it, and maybe even feel a little guilty.  I know that makes no sense, because a person shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of themselves, but it's true.  I'm afraid part of me believes that my ability to be a good mom is equal to the sacrifice I make.  That's all a bunch of balhooey, I know.  But why do I feel this way?  Who put these ideas in my head?  Maybe it was my self-sacrificing grandmother who put everyone else first.  Hmm. 

It's time to end the cycle.  I want to be a good role model for Kiku, and ignoring myself until my bucket runneth over is something I need to change.  For both our sakes.