It must be SAD

I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  For the past few months, everything has just felt really hard.  I haven’t been feeling good about myself or my life - past, present or future.  I’m not interested in food (very odd) or socializing (even stranger).  I feel sluggish and tired most of the time.  Thing is, I’m not a naturally depressive person.  Sure, I feel down at times and can complain like the best of them.  But I’ve always been a glass half-full, everything will be ok, down right optimistic person.  I’m a survivor.  At least I used to be.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way since moving to the Northwest.  We had relatively mild winters the first two years we lived here, but last year I remember feeing just as blue between the months of January and March.  Maybe even April.  That’s a fair chunk of the year to feel like crap just because the weather sucks.

So what to do about it?  Exercise is helpful, but it’s hard to motivate when you feel like you’re being weighed down by a concrete slab. I’ve been popping vitamins and trying to drink lots of water.  Emergen-c packets have become my morning staple.  I’ve read a little about light therapy, which sounds potentially helpful.  And then there’s coffee.  Seattle hasn’t become an espresso mecca by accident.  I quit drinking coffee when I got pregnant and never went back.  I’m a single-tall-decaf-latte person now, but maybe it’s time to start sippin’ the strong stuff again.  Hello Peet’s, I’ve missed you. 

I’m starting to worry about how my mood is affecting Kiku.  She seems as energetic and upbeat as ever, but I still worry about it.  I’m not an especially emoting person, but lately I’ve been sobbing a fair amount and she’s taken notice.  Last night after dinner I couldn't keep back the tears when I was overcome by a wave of sadness.  Kiku handed me her stuffed bear and said, “mama, are you sad?”  Then she gave me a big hug and I felt a little better.  It was heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time.  Part of me wonders if showing more emotion is actually good for her.  JJ keeps reminding me that kids are extremely resilient.  He’s right…but I still worry. 

What I need is a week in a warm, sunny location.  Hawaii comes to mind.  So does Mexico.  What I wouldn’t give for a tropical breeze, a walk on the beach, and a Pina Colada by the pool.