Dayjamas

Breaking news!

I was at the gym yesterday and noticed that three of the four plasma TV screens displayed above my elliptical machine were tuned to news stations.  I also noticed that all three stations were absolutely obsessed with Tiger Woods and his inability to play in the next major tournament due to an injured knee.  For the entire 30+ minutes I was on the machine, the story would not go away.  I have no doubt that coverage of this huge, world-changing story continued after I left.  Now, I'm no sports fan so perhaps I'm unaware of the impact Tiger Woods' ability to play golf has on my fellow Americans, the image of our country, and the rest of the world, but it just seems so insignificant compared to other major events happening on the planet. 

I know a little about why certain stories make it on the news and why they don't, thanks to the brother of a good friend who works as a news producer for a TV station.  But because I shelter myself from TV news, I'm shocked when I actually see the garbage they're shoveling.

Airing out the dirty laundry

I haven't posted in this blog lately because we've been going through a challenging time and it just feels weird to expose everything.  I know that many, many people get all naked on the web but for some reason (i.e. fear) I just can't seem to put it out there.  I guess I just care too much about what other people think.  The funny thing is that no one, besides my husband and maybe a few friends, even know about this blog.  So what am I worried about?  If someone from across the world finds my blog by chance and reads about my problems, so what?  At best, they'll be able to relate and maybe feel a little better knowing that someone else out there is feeling the same way they are.  At worst, they'll think I'm annoying and whiny and click away.  Really, who cares? 

Perhaps this fear of exposing myself to the public has something to do with the fact that I always felt the need to hide my family situation away from people while I was growing up.  I didn't have the normal Mama-Papa-Kid situation at home like all of my friends did.  I was raised by my grandparents from the age of five months because my biological parents were young, emotionally immature, and financially unstable, and that's just how it all worked out.   No one in my family ever talked about why I lived with my grandparents, and the subject of my dad hardly ever came up seeing how he was completely out of the picture by the time I was born.  I just accepted it as normal because it's all I knew, but deep down I always felt that something was not quite right.  I just buried my feelings and went about being a kid.  Sometimes my friends would ask me about it, and I'd just tell them that I didn't know.  As I got older, I started to question things and eventually my mother told me the whole story about why I was raised by my grandparents, and the events that preceded my birth.  I was 25. 

Since then, I've been trying to come to terms with it all.  Feeling abandoned by my mother.  Losing my grandmother, the woman I identified as my mother, at the age of 22.  Trying to reconcile having a father figure who was abusive to my mother but not to me.  Attempting to have an adult relationship with a mother who resents me.  Building a relationship with my biological father who I finally met eight years ago.  Having a daughter of my own and raising her without any family support, while attempting to live a full and healthy life despite the rocky foundation that was laid for me as a child. It hasn't been easy and I still have some distance to cover.  There is a lot of sadness and pain. 

I'm still pretty cautious in general about who I share my family history with, mainly because I feel like most people in my social world wouldn't accept me if they knew the truth.  Deep down I know this is probably not true, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did reject me because of it, but the fear keeps my story quiet with all but the closest of friends. 

It does feels good to air my dirty laundry in the public realm.  I only wish that I could do so in the presence of my family.  On some level I'm hoping that writing about my life in public will give me the strength and courage I need to tell my family members exactly how I feel.  

Kid quote of the day

"Yes, I'm warm enough.  See, I'm wearing my life jacket."

-Kiku, pointing to her quilted vest

"Thirst Quencher"

One of the more ridiculous labels I've seen lately. 

J'aime le chocolat

This morning in the shower I was thinking about a bakery I used to frequent several times a week when I was in high school.  I believe it was called Au Cocolat and they produced the most wonderful chocolate croissants.  Those were the days when I could eat anything I wanted without a care in the world, like an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia in one sitting.  I miss those days.  Senior year I would take the bus to school and grab a chocolate pastry and large mocha at one of the kiosks downtown before cruising into English class five minutes late.  Every day.  I would sit at my desk with sleep in my eyes, munching on the chocolate goodness and sipping coffee.  My teacher never commented on my tardiness so I never tried very hard to be on time.  This was the same teacher who gave me A's on my papers but rarely left comments in the margins. I always wondered whether he actually read any of them. 

These days I've had to curb my chocolate intake because I've become very sensitive to sugar.  I often get spacey and headachey after eating something sweet, and sometimes I'll even experience cold symptoms a few hours later.  I've read that sugar lowers the immune system and it certainly feels true for me.  Add Kiku to that list.  The few times we've allowed her to devour an entire ice cream cone her eyes got all glassy and she turned into Godzilla.  Sugar is definitely not her friend but she begs for it several times a day.  She will even refuse to eat breakfast right before a birthday party because she knows cake and ice cream are party staples and she wants to make sure there's room in her stomach. 

Even though we do our best to limit her sugar intake, it's a tough job navigating through the Licorice Forest.  Donuts, candy, ice cream, and cookies abound, and can be seen in the hands of young children everywhere.  Why would Kiku want to eat a piece of fruit if the kids at the next table are snacking on cupcakes?  In her eyes, it just isn't fair, and she's not taking it sitting down. 

I've spent a lot of time reading labels in the grocery store since becoming aware of Kiku's sugar sensitivity and I'm amazed at the staggering amounts of sugar that food companies load into their products.  Even many of the "healthy" products found at natural food stores (i.e. Whole Foods) are teeming with the stuff.  Cereal, yogurt, bread, the list goes on.  What grosses me out the most is the unnecessary amount of sugar found in products marketed to toddlers.  Don't even get me started on so-called "energy" bars. 

I'm thankful that more and more companies are using healthier alternatives like evaporated cane juice in their products, but the end result is usually the same in Kiku's case.  It doesn't matter if a cookie is loaded with cane juice or refined white sugar - Dr. Jekyll still turns into Mr. Hyde. 

At this point we're taking the "everything in moderation" route and have designated two nights a week as dessert night.  I've been baking a lot of healthy treats with the help of cookbooks like Deceptively Delicious, so Kiku's been ingesting a lot of pureed veggies unbeknownst to her.  Kiku still begs for sweets every day and it's usually a battle, but I'm hoping that one day she'll just stop craving it.  If it happened with TV ("I don't like watching videos anymore"), maybe it can happen with sugar! 

Here comes the sun

The spring bloom has begun.  Thank god.

Eating out with kids in Seattle, pt. 2

I'm sorry Blue C Sushi, but you've been scratched off my list.  I loved visiting your conveyor belt of goodness every week and you used to be #1 on my kid-friendly list, but after the food poisoning that JJ and I suffered through after dining at the Fremont location, we won't be returning. 

On a good note, we recently discovered a great little pizzeria in Ballard called Snoose Junction.  There's a toy area in the corner of the restaurant and pinball machines in the back.  The atmosphere is warm and friendly, and I love the cozy booths and large tables that are designed to be shared.  Their thin-crusted pizza is superb, my favorite being the Putanesca.  Whoever thought of putting kalamata olives, capers, anchovies, and crushed red peppers on a pizza was a genius.  Admirably, they only use independent vendors who get their products from small farms and businesses.

Edited to add: One of the owners of Blue C Sushi contacted me and expressed deep concern about the food poisoning we suffered through.  He assured me that Blue C Sushi takes food borne illness very seriously and plans to investigate. 

Sweet tooth

Kiku thinks about candy and sweets 24/7 (when she's not thinking about mermaids).

"Mama, can I have a lollipop?  May I pleeeeze have a lollipop, pleeeeze?"

"I have a great idea, let's eat some cookies!"

"Is it my birthday tomorrow?  Can I have a chocolate cake with strawberries and vanilla frosting when it's my birthday?"

"My favorite thing about the party was the cake."

"Is it dessert night?"

"How about hot chocolate this morning?"

"I'd like Halloween candy for dinner, please."

"I don't like broccoli, but I like chocolate."

One year anniversary

When I started this blog a year ago, I had great expectations.  I thought I'd post every day, or at the very least once a week, unleashing my thoughts, opinions, and unique perspective out into the world.  Well, it didn't happen.  I posted semi-regularly for the first few months, but then I started massage school and suddenly it was hard to find time for the basics - like eating and showering - let alone blogging.  So blogging fell low on my list of priorities, and it just sat there in it's sad little place on the web, untouched, uninspired and forgotten. 

Honestly, I never really asked myself why I wanted to blog in the first place.  It just seemed like the natural thing to do - something I was drawn to.  But why?  Sure, I love to journal - I've been writing in a diary since the age of nine - but why would I want to journal publicly? I'm not particularly attention-seeking.  In fact, I hate being the center of attention, so why would I want to put it all out there for everyone to see if I'm not interested in getting attention?  Maybe it's about connecting to the world after being a SAHM for 2.5 years?  Maybe the creative part of my brain was feeling neglected and needed an outlet?  Or maybe I had hopes of generating some ad income to fulfill my need to "contribute" to the household in a monetary way?  I'd be the first to admit that making the shift from independent, self-sustaining woman to SAHM was rocky and unsettling, and even after 4+ years of being supported by my husband I'm still struggling with this. 

Well, last month I decided to take a break from school because the schedule wasn't working for me or my family, and now I have a little more free time on my hands.  So, among the myriad of spirit-enriching things I'd like to dive into, like sumi-e painting, knitting, cooking, baking, organizing my house, planning meals, exercising, and meditating, blogging seems to have risen high on the list.  So blog I will, even though the reasons aren't clear.  I will follow the way.

Eating out with kids in Seattle

Here are my top 5 favorite kid-friendly restaurants in Seattle:

1. Blue C Sushi - Fremont & U-Village
I love this place.  Fresh sushi and tasty Japanese dishes rotate around comfy booths and counter seats on a conveyer belt.  This means INSTANT FOOD at your table the moment you sit down.  As in, no ordering and no waiting.  The food is NOW.  This is huge, because Kiku can never stay in her seat and as a result it's almost impossible to enjoy a meal out at a regular restaurant.  We like this place so much that it's become an almost-weekly tradition.  Kiku is really into the Spicy Sesame Noodles, Inari sushi, edamame, miso soup, and cucumber salad in ponzu sauce.  I especially like the seared tuna and JJ is partial to the spicy tofu dish.  The staff is incredibly friendly and helpful, and the kids get their own special "learner chopsticks."  The only drawback is that it's immensely popular and the wait is long on the weekends - and they don't take reservations.  Our solution: go early. 

2. Madrona Alehouse & Eatery - 1138 34th Ave.   
Even though we live across town from Madrona, we still make the trek at least once a month to enjoy a relaxed dinner accompanied by a good beer.  What makes it possible to "relax" is the small but ingenious play area.  It's nestled on one side of the restaurant around a gas fireplace and has ample books and toys, a comfy couch, and is visible from every table.  The standard pub fare is pretty good, but we haven't tried any of the more "refined" dishes (e.g. fish, pork chops, pasta, etc.). 

3. Vios - 903 19th Ave E.
This is a very unique place.  In a nutshell, Vios is a Greek restaurant that happens to have a large enclosed play space for kids that's amply stocked with toys and books.  And the food is great!  Good kids menu, too.  But it tends to be a little pricey for a casual night out so that's why it only made #3 on my list. 

4. Zeek's Pizza - *Several around Seattle
There are no toys or books.  But the pizza is decent, they make a good chopped salad, and the staff (and customers) don't seem to mind small children running around and terrorizing the candy machine.  Enough said.

5. Bagel Oasis -  2112 NE 65th St.     
This is a good breakfast spot for kids.  They have a small play area and this alone is why we eat here.   Ok, that's not entirely true, because the bagels are pretty darn good.  Only thing is, they seem to have problems getting the orders right (too stoned?)

Runner Up: Tutta Bella pizzaria on Stone Way in Wallingford.  This place is big, loud, (did I say loud?), and the pizza is good.  There are always lots of kids here, probably because it's so very loud. 

*I've only eaten at two locations: Phinney Ridge & Greenlake

Potty down

Potty training is going smashingly!  Kiku is now at the point where she'll tell us that "poop" or "peep" are "coming out" before they actually make their appearance about 75% of the time.  Yesterday she wore underwear for two entire hours and didn't have an accident!  I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to the whole diaper thing, but I'm also shuttering at the idea of having to stop on the side of the highway and hang my daughters tush out the side for her to pee (excuse me, "peep") or worse.  Best to invest in one of those portable potties designed for the car. 

Ten little fingers

Kiku recently learned how to count on her fingers.  It's so damn cute and my heart melts when she does it.  Whenever a counting opportunity comes up she'll hold both of her hands in front of her and try to lift the appropriate number of fingers.  But since she's not that coordinated with her hands yet, she'll often hold up too many or not enough.  I'm not sure if she learned this at preschool or from Sesame Street (or from us?), but it's one of the most delightful things to see as a parent.  I can't believe I just used the word delightful.

'cuz why?

Kiku has officially discovered "why?"  She asks it without warning, at any time of day.  It doesn't matter how many times we answer her question, or if there really isn't an answer to her question, she just keeps asking us "why?" because, oh, I don't know.  Because it's just so much...fun?

Kiku: Mama, can we go to the playground today?
Me: Sure, that sounds like a great idea.
Kiku: But WHY?
Me: Because it's a really nice day and the playground sounds like fun.
Kiku: 'Cuz WHY?
Me: I just told you, sweetheart.
Kiku: But 'cuz why, mama?

I have admit that I've been waiting for this day to come with lots of anticipation.  Excitement, even.  Don't ask me why!

Giving dairy the boot

I think Kiku has a sensitivity to dairy products.  I've had a hunch about this for a while now, and remember talking to her pediatrician about it when she was around 18 months old.  The doc said that a dairy allergy was unlikely because she wasn't exhibiting any of the usual symptoms, like a red ring around her bottom, or rashes on her face.  But today something interesting happened.  Kiku was in a great mood all morning, until she ate some yogurt during snack time.  About ten minutes later, Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde.  It was like a switch was flipped and suddenly she was acting uncooperative, defiant, and irritable.  This has happened before, so many times before, but I'd never been able to attribute it to a specific food until today.  A light bulb finally came on in my head.

I've always felt like Kiku's personality changed when she turned one, which is when we introduced cows milk.  Since then she's become more serious and moody, and I've always had a sneaking suspicion that dairy was the culprit.  I know I should've listened to my gut and not dismissed the idea solely based on the opinion of her pediatrician. 

I've been doing some research on food sensitivities and she has many of the symptoms, like frequent ear infections, stuffiness, mood swings, irritability, hyperactivity, loud breathing during sleep, and the list goes on.  I suspect that sugar might also be partially responsible, so we're going to cut that down (or out altogether) as well.

As of tomorrow, Kiku is going to stop consuming dairy products for 21 days.  It's going to be a challenge to find alternatives, but I'm determined to make this happen.  If nothings changed after three weeks, then we'll cut out sugar and see how things go. 

The good ol' days

Last Friday Kiku came down with a virus and had to stay home from preschool.  She had a fever, a runny nose, and was terribly cranky.  I tried to keep her activity level down in order for her to get some rest, but it wasn't easy.  (She never wants to slow down, even when she's feeling miserable - a quality she gets from JJ who is exactly the same way.)  So I decided to put her crib mattress on the floor and let her jump to get her ya ya's out, and then managed to calm things down a bit with a few books, some playdough, and an episode of Sesame Street.  Three quarters of the way through the morning I noticed that Kiku's eyelids were getting heavy, plus she was running into things and tripping and falling more than usual.  I suggested that she go lie down and rest, but, true to form, she said, "no!  I'm ok!  I wanna play, Mama!"  So I let her continue with whatever she was doing (putting together an Easter egg party, I believe) since it was so close to naptime, but within five minutes she asked me if it was time to take a nap.  I couldn't believe it.  Kiku asking to take a nap?  And 15 minutes before her regular time?!  This could only mean one thing:  the girl was tired.  While we were going through her nap routine I felt relieved that she was finally going to get some rest, but a short lived feeling it was because she just wouldn't let herself sleep.  That's right, no napping occured.  She ended up spending some "quiet time" in her room, which was better than nothing I suppose, but the remainder of the afternoon was pretty miserable (for both of us).  When Kiku doesn't take a nap, she gets all wound up.  She bounces off the walls, has a hard time focusing, and lashes out with fingernails.  At about 4:45 pm, I put her in the crib to "take a break" after she did a few too many things that make parents want to bang their fists into pillows and scream.  She was out like a light, and slept until 3:30 AM.

The rest of the evening was bliss.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to cook in peace.  It was so relaxing to take my time and enjoy the process.  Dinner was calm.  I savored my food and was able to have an actual conversation with my husband.  It felt like the days before our intense child had joined the family. 

Normally, the period between cooking dinner and bed time is very chaotic and stressful.  Kiku usually demands my attention when I'm in the kitchen and asks to be picked up whenever I'm at the stove.  It's not enough to stand on a stool and watch, and rarely is she interested in helping me cook like so many other kids her age seem to enjoy doing.  No, she wants to be held.  JJ often tries to distract her with other things if he's home, but it's hard to pull her away.  She is persistent.

Dinnertime is tense.  Kiku will sit at the table for about ten minutes, doing any of the following:  pick at her food, constantly demand drinks she's not allowed to have (I knew it was a mistake to let her have a sip of soda that one time!), throw food she doesn't like on the floor, pour juice or milk onto the table, or bang her fork or spoon.  All the while we run interference, asking her to pick up what she's thrown on the floor, doing what we can to get her to stop banging, etc.  I can't remember the last time she ate a good dinner.  When she's done, she'll get down from the table and ask us to play with her, as she's not content to play by herself.  We tell her that we'll spend time with her when we're finished, but she still persists.  It doesn't help to set up an activity for her to do while she's waiting for us.   It doesn't help to include her in converstation at the table.  We've tried turning on the TV, but she gets bored after a few minutes and flips it off. 

Experiencing a calm evening last week allowed me to realize just how miserable we all are at dinnertime, so I've decided that it's time for us to try something new.  I'm going to start giving her dinner early, around 5:00 or 5:30, and then offer a small snack before bed.  JJ and I can eat later, after she goes to bed.  We'll see how it goes.  I have a hunch that our normal dinnertime of 6:30ish might be too late for her, and I've noticed that she sometimes sleeps better when she's had some protein at the end of the night.  I'm hoping this might help improve her mood in the mornings as well.  Lately she's been waking up on the irritable side, and our morning routine (changing diapers, getting dressed, brushing teeth) has been nothing short of a struggle. 

I'm crossing my fingers.